To Whom It May Concern... A Closure...~

Thursday, June 7, 2018

This entry is mainly for you.. I hope you are reading this. Because somehow, deep down i know that you have been following my blog.. Or maybe no more.. But who knows, tetiba you decided to read, kan..

I have not been on my laptop for weeks. Since the last day i typed my final chapter of my first draft. I needed a break for awhile. But today, i decided to turn it on. And i am not the checking email type kind of person. The personal email, i meant. So decided to log in to my gmail account.. I synchronized it with my very old yahoo accounts so all those old mails were there along with new mails (not so new though)..

Anyway, decided to clear my inbox. Thousands of emails were deleted. I kept about 23 emails. Four were from you, one from my former undergrad research adviser, two from an old friend in HK, two from late friend, remaining emails were from Dzul. 

Your emails were from March 2008. I read all four and started to think something. I am not sure how true were the words. You sounded so hurt and unsecured. I treated you badly and i did not tell you why in the first place. Left you hanging and wondering. Well, maybe if i was more open to you, you won't feel the way you felt and won't do what you did after March 2008. Well, i did tell you what actually happened but it did not stop you from feeling insecure, or drive you to start making a move and lie to me for a year. We fought and made up. So many times. 

But, I wonder why every time after you apologized, it won't take too long for you to start feeling insecure again and the whole thing started again. Cukup tiga kali, kita rasa i just had enough. It is not i did not love you. I did. Very much. Cuma, i am done trying. Even i tried to get back again with you in Dec 2011, but all of sudden i just thought it will not be fair for both of us to go through anything anymore. Considering i already found out that i would be relocated in February 2012. So decided to be away from you not only was a smart move for me but i know you will be better without me. Like what you have written in the email (in 2008), we were not made for each other no matter how much we loved each other.

I don't know how much you kept from me, from your family, from your friends.. I kept almost everything to myself even to this date. And i intend to keep it that way. No one really had a clue of how i felt and what i felt after Dec 2011. Let it be my little secret. 

Just so you know, thinking of random things is just who i am. I would start thinking if i get triggered by anything. So yeah, i would think of the past... Not to "travel in the past" or regret on anything.. It is just me doing such as to avoid myself from making the same mistake twice. Like what i am doing now. I read your emails, and that leaded me to think. 

So to whom it may concern, if you ever read this.. I just want to apologize to you once again. I did apologize to you back in March 2012, but di bulan Ramadhan yang barakah ini, I am apologizing again. Semoga awak lekas berjumpa jodoh yang paling sempurna di mata awak dan keluarga. Jodoh yang mampu membahagiakan awak lebih dari orang2 terdahulu termasuk kita. 

Selamat hari raya aidilifitri & maaf zahir batin, awak.

A closure...

Adept Series - Book 1

Monday, April 16, 2018

Hello dearest blog.
After so many weeks and months, i am finally back here. As usual, life is pretty the same with nothing except i finished the book i posted about, and went to Hong Kong in February and Bangkok in March. And April is a month that is suppose to be a productive month for me but i don't know what went wrong, i injured myself again after helping husband and fell sick. Still recovering now. So yeah.. It slowed down my progress on writing my thesis. But alhamdulillah, as of today i have finished writing 19/21 hypotheses. I planned to finish somewhere on the 10th but well, i failed. 

Since i cant do much with injured hand, i decided to finish my old book and currently reading a new one; Adept Series by Robert Finn. Reading book 1 now (Adept) and second book would be Ex Machina and third one is Underlife. But i do not have the second and third one. I will buy them during the next Big Bad Wolf (Kalau Ingat). Here is the cover of the book and the synopsis;

David Braun's troubles begin when he's called to investiage an unusually violent break-in, which leaves two criminals dead and a crime scene that raises more questions than it answers. A meeting with the building's sinister owner only adds to the mystery. Braun turns to American academic Susan Milton, from the London School of Antiquities, to help him make sense of the situation. Risking their lives, they expose a horrifying secret that's centuries old - but the discovery makes them the target of a ruthless killer the police just can't catch. With time running out, David and Susan race to uncover the killer's true objective even as he closes in on them...

I just started reading this one. It has 878 pages and i just finished page 124. So far, i like the book. Although is it a criminal book, but during time like this i really need a light book... Since i do not have the desire to read chick flick for the time being. Go read the reviews, some provided positive remarks and some gave negative comments. It is up to you to decide, if you ever want to read this. 

Til my next book :)


Must Read... (I)..~

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Hello dearest blog,

As usual, i have been very busy. No.. Nope about finishing my research PhD thesis but more on entertaining family from both sides.. In-laws were here in Melaka for the long weekend. SO it was really hectic. Pre-during-post activity like cleaning the house-entertaining-more house cleaning. Boy it was a tiring weekend. Then the following weekend which it was this recently, i was in KL. Did not do much activity just me spending tinme with hub and my family lepaking at home and dine out as to celebrate parents' 46th wedding anniversary. I assume i already had my breaks for too long. Hence, i decided to start back on writing my thesis. 

Just finished making corrections for two papers of mine that will be published soon, InsyaAllah.. And so, i believe this is the perfect timing for me to restart in finishing my chapter 3. Then with or without guidance from my supervisor, i will start on my chapter 5. I am behind schedule which this is not me. I don't usually be this lazy... I really don't know what is happening to me..

Furthermore, i have not been reading my books/novels. I should start that one too. A way of stopping wasting too much of my time in playing games on my phone. Which that activity does not really bring much benefits to me. With that being said, below is the book that i am about to start reading. Bought this book ages ago.. But u know me.. Finish one book and buy 20 more. And read the new one and neglect the old one :)).. 

Below here is the synopsis of the book.. I need this kind of book at the moment.. Relax and light..

Amber Salpone doesn't mean to keep ending up in bed with her friend Greg Walterson, but she can't help herself. And every time it 'just happens' their secret affair moves closer to being a real relationship, which is a big problem when he's a womaniser and she's a commitment-phobe.

While Amber struggles to accept her new feelings for Greg, she also realises that her closeness to Jen, her best friend, is slipping away and the two of them are becoming virtual strangers. Slowly but surely, as the stark truths of all their lives are revealed, Amber has to confront the fact that chocolate can't cure everything and sometimes running away isn't an option . . .

The Chocolate Run is a delectable tale of lust, love and chocolate.
Who needs love when you've got chocolate?

Til my next update,

Harry Potter..~

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Hey there blog..

Remember my last post? I went to Phuket last week for a conference? Do you know that the post conference just requires as much work as before the conference take place? Well it depends on certain situation and or unforeseen circumstances. Last night when i was about to sleep, an emailed received. It mentioned that i needed to do a bit of adjustments to the paper i presented last week to meet with the publication requirement. 

Promised myself that i will get it done today. But of course with too many things on my mind... With 3 papers to adjust and amend, i just decided to delay everything a bit. Thought of watching Harry Potter for many days even before i went to Phuket. Started with the 3rd one 2 weeks ago, turned on the 4th one last night but decided to sleep while it was still on.. 

About 15 minutes ago, i just finished watching the 4th one, that would be the one with the cup.. And currently i am listening ("watching") the 5th one; the half blood prince while typing this entry. Bebetul aku nak amek mood to start writing. I need to inform Dr Ramesh about me can't get the chapter in book done. I think the journal publications are far more important. 1 is due on 4th dec and another one is due on 15th dec. So i am just gonna get those two done first and ONLY if i have time then only i will start doing the chapter in book.

Anyhow, i wonder why there are no these kind of movies these days.. I miss watching movies like Harry Potter, Inkheart, Narnia, Twilight.. Fantasy, non-logic-yet-somehow-it-makes-sense movies. I miss these sort of relax movies. These are the kind of movies that you can watch again and again without feeling bored. So yeah, I really hope they will make more movies like such.. There must be books that they can adapt. 

Til my next updates..

ps: I might watch the balance of HP later *wink*


My Phuket 2017~

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Hello blog..
I was in Phuket for 3 days or so. I attended a conference and took the opportunity to walk at the Patong Beach for a day. Beach has not really be my favourite. Even if i wanna do some water activity, that would be some kind of snorkeling (kot). The conference was ok. The night i got there was a bit challenging and Alhamdulillah i was not alone. Husband was around. He helped me through out the night. I could not be happier that he was around.

Incomar 2017

Me with Dr Rozita

Halal lunch set prepared for us by Marina Kitchen Halal
Attending the conference, enjoyed yummy lunch and slept for 2 hours was practically how i spent my first day. We stayed at Boat Lagoon Resorts that is 17km away from Patong beach. Away from common tourists' attractions. But i was ok with it because we were just next to Kampung Melayu. Meaning to say, halal food was easy to find. As for dinner, i had orange juice while others enjoyed some roasted duck rice and tomyam noodle.

This roasted duck rice was yummy
We had simple breakfast in our room. We bought some butter and bread and milk when we were out for dinner the night before. After breakfast, hubs and i went to Patong beach just to kill time by listening to some people preach crap hoping we would buy from them. As token of appreciation, they gave us 5000 baht for meal or spa. We spent every dime on food. Lunch by ourselves and dinner with fixo and her mate. We ordered the most expensive meal we can find on the menu, 1480 baht along with drinks and some cream pasta.

Seafood combo
After our late lunch, we walked from beach to the Patong town. Along the way, we bought some souvenirs for people back home. And went to the mall and waited for izza and nada for dinner. While waiting, we ordered some drinks. Trust me, the graan tea frappe there was the bomb. around 7pm only they reached the coffee shop. Just in time for dinner. 

Izza's meal; lime baramundi

Nada's meal; caramel banana and cinnamon pancake

Mine; salsa nachos

My dessert; mocha something.. cake and ice creams

My dinner mates

After dinner, we continue on walking as friends wanted to buy some souvenirs. and after that, we headed back to our hotel and checked the next day. That was how i spent my days in Phuket. Don't think i wanna go there again. But definitely will fly to Bangkok soon as i bought a 3d2n room in Anantara Riverside Resort.

Til my next update..~


I Am Bless To Have A Wonderful Friend..~

Friday, November 17, 2017

Hey dearest blog..

After finishing blogging yesterday, i finally made my move back to home from KAG. The whole time i was driving, i was on phone with my friend. A friend that i recently got close with. He was my degree and master senior but i never bumped into him. But he told me that he saw me once in Sepang circuit and of course at the faculty. But he refused to say hi and he regretted.

Anyhow, when he was in NZ for his PhD, we started to communicate through messenger. Perhaps because both of us are in the same path so he needed my help and vice versa. In November 2015 he came for data collection and that was the first time i met him. Finally met him.. Been hearing his name for years and he is in my fb list since 2009 but sumpah never thought of finding this person and such.. 

So, we have been friends for 2 years now and he is one of the good friends that anyone could ask for and colleagues seconded it. I felt bad back then as most of my friends know him and i didn't. People kept on saying how smart he is. Well, that proves how reserve and could-not-be-bothered i am. 

Anyways, we were discussing about PALAM and future projects. Told him about several things and was asking for his opinions on certain things since he already graduated and used the same analysis software as i am.. So his points are matter to me. Long story shorten, he pointed something that no one ever did. I meant, i am aware the situation but i never mentioned it to anyone except to my husband.. Which of course, as husband is my walking and living journal though he needs to be reminded from time to time (Rolling eyes).. 

Back to story, the friend of mine pointed out how unhappy i am being here in Melaka. He had the idea just by looking at my ig post; both timeline and story. Boy, he is such an observant. I am happy to be where my home is. Meaning my house because that is where i can feel comfortable. But in terms of friends, my KL friends are definitely the best. I had so many options and i chose the best. Here in Melaka, i only have work friends. Which by the way, the choices are so limited and to actually have people that have similar interest, using the same "language", have common views as mine are so difficult to find.

I only found a few. Sadly, one of them i am not so close with hence, i only talk to her whenever i bumped into her. The other had transferred to Raub and the last one is busy handling her life as she has too many responsibilities on her shoulder. Those i am kinda close with are no longer close ever since i started my study leave. Practically, i have no one here in Melaka. Sedih kan? 

Although that, i am grateful to have great friends who understand my situation. Even they are miles away and we don't communicate all the time yet whenever we do, i can just tell them anything and joke around. I am bless to have them, i do. These people i am so proud to call them my best friends. They are the reason why i can feel like i am normal too. 

Well, because of the situation i have here in Melaka, that what makes me want to move back to kl and i really hope Melaka would let me go and PALAM would accept me. I don't know how to make it happen. Previously, there was no vacant in PALAM. Now, when there is, Melaka is not letting anyone go. Bummer..

I am praying and hoping that one fine day, i can just go back to KL. And husband finally agreed to find a new house for us to buy in KL/Shah Alam. A home of our own in KL is actually another i need too.. I will share the story why here when i have the time..

Til then, just wait for my next update..


How Much Would You Sacrifice..?~

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Hello blog..

I am a part time postgrad student and currently in my third year. For 2 and 1/2 years i endured life with multiple roles; a wife who needs to cook and takes care of the husband, a daughter that requires me to care and travel back and forth to visit and see the parents, a DIL that tries to be fair and treat the inlaws equally, a lecturer that requires my mind and most of my time, and a student that have due dates for everything.

Being in shoes along with uncountable hats and hearts to satisfy, life was kind of difficult. Because of that, i applied to take a study leave which i thought it would help or at least ease my study journey. I seriously thought with this study leave i can complete my report writing with less distractions.

Boy, i was wrong and completely naive. The leaves actually gave me extra responsibilities. For some reason people whom i thought would understand my situation are kind of misused my leave. People expect me to always be in KL when i prefer to be in Melaka. People expect me to always attend all occasions when i sincerely cannot. 

During writing process. you need to be left alone. You need your space to draft your words and trying to put everything in good paragraphs. I can't go back to KL frequently because it affects my writing momentum and i definitely do not want anyone to come to Melaka at this crucial time. When they do, i need to spare my time for them.

Back and forth requires so much of my time and incur lot of cost. The traveling cost and food cost (huhu).. Because i kind of have my own sort of meals due to my gastritis and my meal time does not match with any of them. 

Alas... To make others happy i am willing to sacrifice. But, i am uncertain for how much long i am willing to do that.. As far as i am concern, my main priority would be getting my report done.

May Allah ease everything for me and grants me with his endless blessing.

Til my next update,